Country Song (Pandering)

[Spoken:] Instead of people actually telling their stories, you just got a bunch of millionaire metrosexuals that have never done a hard day's work in their lives. But instead of just sort of figuring out the phrases and the words that they can pander in their crowd with, they just sort of list thee words and phrases off, mad-lib style in every song and pander to them. Words like

Dirt road A cold beer A blue jeans Red pickup Rural noun, simple adjective And then when you're not singing you just talk in the middle like this

No shoes No shirt No Jews You didn't hear that You also didn't not hear it

I walk and talk like a field hand But the boots I'm wearing cost five grand I write songs about riding tractors From the comfort of a private jet

I can sing in mandarin And still know I'm pandering Hunting deer and chasing trout Cold Bud Light with the logo facing out

Hear that subtle mandolin That's textbook pandering I own a private ranch that I rarely use

[Spoken:] One verse, one chorus in the bag Now it's time to talk to the ladies I am hoping my Southern charm offsets all these rape-y vibes I'm putting out

Good girl In a straw hat With her arms out in a corn field That's a scarecrow, sorry Thought that was a human woman

Cold night Cold beer Cold jeans Strike that last one

I want you I hope you're feeling me Once again just talking in the middle of it

We go to bed and you doze off So I take your country girl clothes off I put my hands on your body It feels like hay, it's a fucking scarecrow again

Like Mike's Evander-ing Fuck your ears I'm pandering I write songs for the people who do Jobs in the towns that I'd never move to

Legalize gerrymandering Tolerate my pandering You got a beautiful mouth I got a beautiful dick

You dumb motherfuckers want a key change?

Thematically meandering Empathetically pandering I got a tight grip on my demo's balls Say the word "truck" and they jizz in their overalls

You don't know what land you're in I'm in the land of pandering And I'll be upfront I do what I do cause I'm a total fucking cun-try boy